Loss

Last Wednesday morning at Johns Hopkins, two specialist surgeons, an anesthesiologist and their OR team shockingly lost a patient: Carol Youmans, debilitated by the tumor eating at her, had not the strength to respond to their frantic attempts to resuscitate and bring her through.  They were, I am sure, stunned by their failure. The rest of us, stunned by a Big Bang of loss.

The citizens of Annapolis (more than the transient bedroom-community residents, legislative part-timers, yachting weekenders) lost a fellow-citizen; a friendly acquaintance; a caring, engaged member of the community; that helpful gal who ran the print shop for years; who had a smile and kind word for everyone.

Friends and fellow plein air painters at Vermont’s Greater Barton Arts Center lost a co-founder and painting coach.  The Colonial Players of Annapolis lost a gifted actor, director, producer, a loyal collaborator who worked ceaselessly over the last 40 seasons of success.  Her passion was theatre; her web handle: “theatreslave.”

Long-time friends, classmates, travel companions up and down the East Coast lost a dear soul who cared deeply, who was always ready to listen.  Empathy and love oozed from every pore.

Her brother lost a younger sister.  He the dutiful, responsible, serious first born; she five years junior, emotional, eager to please, wearing heart on sleeve.  She called him “dearheart” despite his incessant teasing in their childhood; despite now separated by a continent and seeing each other only infrequently. The statistics say I should have gone first.  So long as I am alive they, the younger women in my life, are OK, aren't they?  Her loss also a loss of that innocent assumption; stats are not lives.  The circle of seven cousins broken again; now we are five.

Adrien and Edward lost an older sister, one with whom they had grown very close, especially after Carol lost Jack and the three began to summer together there in Barton in heart of the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. Working together to bring a dream of a Barton Arts Community into reality. Adrien’s stunning loss came on her way north to be caregiver next week when Carol was expected home from Hopkins. 

And for son Will and his Lisa, for daughter Alice and her Paul and their families the greatest loss, the devastating loss of that reliable, nurturing presence, that loving mother/grandmother/great-grandmother. This unexpected, unbearable loss -- but the loss that must be borne.  Her love animated them; that love endures.

So, at an instant in time and space, a Wednesday morning in a Baltimore OR, a Big Bang of Loss exploded into a mini-Universe of losses shared out in greater or lesser degrees to hundreds of us.

So much loss. Too much lost.